Finally got some help…. I now realize how hard this is.

I’m six months into this twinning adventure. I’m used to the barrage of “double trouble,” “you’ve got your hands full,”  “it must be so hard”. And I always answer back, “my hands are full but my heart is fuller”.. or more commonly, “It’s just like having one baby, only every thing takes longer. ” ….. Was I really that oblivious?

Now the best advice I can give a new mom is to keep yourself going, don’t stop. Don’t break. It will make you realize you are tired. But I’m pretty sure I’ve been taking my own advice for far too long. And it took having help to make me see it.

My husband farms. After the twins were born I had two weeks with him. Since I breast fed the babies I was doing all the work with sleepy new borns in the forth trimester. And then he left for harvest. Harvest had long hours, He would come home and eat and then go to sleep and get up and go back to the field again.  I was doing really well. I had every thing under control. A home made dinner on the table every day, all three kids cared for, dishes done, laundry caught up, and diapers washed. Every day. No problem. I felt accomplished.

Harvest ended and we grew accustomed to working together with the babies. But I was still doing quite a bit more. And I was ok with that.Then my friend came to visit from out of town. She used to work in a day care facility. She would handle both of the babies for me some times. Encouraged me to go take a break. It was glorious.  While she was here I kept joking about how I was going to get so used to only handling one baby that I wouldn’t know what to do with two when she left. And for one brief moment, I dreaded being my normal busybody self and constantly carrying both babies around. For one brief moment, I honestly wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle them both again.  I got over it pretty quick. But it was there.

With my husband still home we are starting to work better together. He has started taking the twins and rocking them to sleep. Which is nice. But what am I supposed to do with myself while he is rocking them? Surely I can’t take a break and relax.  But it’s starting to get to me. I’m no longer ending my day feeling accomplished. I’m tired. I’m just so tired.

And with the exhaustion that is starting to set in, so is the cold weather. It’s -20 today. It’s going to be for a while. So the babies have to stay in the car seats. Our walmart has over sized carts. And there is no way to lay two car seats in it. at all. Can I just leave my car seats at the door and hope the greeter watches them?  So now that I’m finally feeling worn out, the weather has changed things so I can’t even stay in the ebb of my old routine! And the bitter cold is playing hell on my nipples, or maybe it’s the babies biting me.

I love my girls. But six months in… I’m finally seeing how much I do, and I’m finally tired.

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